As soon as I got out of bed this morning I knew that I just wasn’t feeling right. I was on edge, edgy, I didn’t really want to bother going to work at all.
There was no obvious reason for this mood but it was there. Reluctantly though I did go.
When I arrived, I kept my head down and just got on with things. I didn’t understand my mood and didn’t know how I would respond to the people and situations around me. I did know that there was one work colleague that I didn’t really want to talk to today, but again I didn’t know why.
Soon enough another colleague asked me what was up, why I was being like I was?
It was only then that it hit me. That colleague that I didn’t want to speak to today, he had annoyed me about 3 weeks ago, I mean really annoyed me. I thought that I had really gotten over it, put it behind me. But then I realised that a conversation that I had had yesterday had subconsciously brought the subject to the front of my thoughts again. I must have been stewing over it since then, without even realising it.
So I told this other colleague what had happened 3 weeks ago. He empathised with me and we spoke for a while about the emotions that surrounded the betrayal that I had been feeling. I immediately felt a whole lot better about it all.
There are some wonderful lessons in here for me:
- I am working hard to be more authentic to myself, more vulnerable. I want to let my emotions come to the surface, so that I can deal with them, not hold onto them. I had been holding onto the sense of betrayal, I hadn’t even told my wife what had happened, so consequently the feelings that it had created had gone unresolved. However, it didn’t take much to bring them back to the surface and that is what I had been feeling. Those emotions were sitting just below the surface, not buried deep, so that when my friend asked what was up, I was able to tell him exactly what and how I was feeling, having not even realised it myself before then.
- The other thing that I have been working on, is giving voice to how I am feeling. I want be able express how I feel. I want to be able to express my frustrations. I want people to know when I am down., when I’m feeling under pressure or under the weather. I just don’t want to have to hold all of the bad energy inside of me any more. Nor do I want to keep all of the good energy inside. I want to share it. Again this is about vulnerability and authenticity. I have been letting people around me know how I am feeling (usually leaving them in absolutely no doubt). It was because of this that my colleague was able to tell that something was wrong.
- It was because I had begun sharing my feelings and I had begun checking up on how others were feeling, that my colleague felt that he could check up on me (that’s karma).
This whole idea of vulnerability; acknowledging, feeling and expressing your feelings really does work. I had a good day in the end and even experienced some break-through successes buoyed by my own emotional freedom.