It’s strange having to rethink how you think, how your mind and body reacts, and having to recognise new signs and symptoms.
I used to be so familiar with how my mind worked, what aroused me to think and what drove me to consider all manner of things. I used to know my ability and my limits. I could recognise the signs of stress, but I haven’t had a headache in nearly 4 years now.
Sometimes I feel the clouds come in and I sense when they have gone. Other times it will take something else to realise how my mood has changed and then I realise that the clouds are indeed already there.
I have just come to recognise a pattern of confusion. When I can’t clearly resolve an issue and it lingers in my mind, and then another issue arises and another and suddenly I find that I cannot clearly focus on any one of them or anything at all. More and more issues go unresolved inside of my head. I cannot focus on anything, nothing gets resolved and I feel lost and hopeless.
This is also when I struggle the most with physical clutter. When noise troubles me and all I want to do is to shut out the world, have a really good clean out and start all over again.
It’s bloody confusing. You ought to know how you feel when you are angry, know the physical and mental signs. You know how you feel when you are sad, when you are lonely or scared. Hopefully you come to recognise the signs of stress.
Imagine now that all of those signs change overnight, when you seem to no longer feel anger because those familiar signs are not there. Imagine what it feels like to suddenly realise that you are confused and that you have been feeling this way for a while now without realising it because there were no signs to tell you that you were confused.
Sadness suddenly hits you but you don’t know why you are feeling sad. Or maybe it isn’t sadness. What is this crying thing? What are these tears?
Lost in all of that confusion of thought and emotion is the way out. Knowing how to straighten out my thoughts, how to resolve issues, how to deal with my moods and how to help others with theirs.
And deep amongst it somewhere, somewhere deep within myself is the solution.
It’s a mine field buried within a haystack but I will find it!
I’m lying on the ground in the middle of the arena. My face marred by dust and sweat and blood. I will bravely open my eyes and look around me. Then when I have a learned a lesson, I will rise greatly once again.