Where I’m at right now

How quickly we can forget about ourselves

I have been feeling down lately, knowing that this low mood could easily turn into depression.

Strange thoughts and uneasy feelings.

The other day I began to miss being able to be really angry and the feeling of power and control that expressing that anger can bring. I blew-up at somebody and I felt nothing. No anger, no hate, no disappointment in myself for having done it, nothing at all.

I wonder if this is how it feels to be on anti-depressive medication, that prevents the lows but that also prevents you feeling the highs.

It wasn’t until I got home from a meeting tonight and saw an item on TV that I realised what has been happening to me.

I have lost focus, lost sight of myself again.

Cat Steven’s (Yusuf Islam) song “Mathew and Son” was playing on TV. It was immediately followed by another of his songs, “Father and Son”. It hit me and I cried.

I realised what has gone wrong. Mathew and Son is a highly produced song, Father and Son, so much simpler. I have lost my focus on keeping my life simple, uncomplicated. Like when I went on my break at a remote cabin at a remote beach.

I need to strip my life back again.

Cat Stevens began to narrate the significance of the 2 songs. And to my surprise his significance was exactly the same as I had recognised.

He wanted a producer for ‘Father and Son’ that could “… capture that feeling that was inside me, without interfering …”

I need to get back there. I need to:

  • allow myself to be vulnerable,
  • not let unnecessary distractions come into my life,
  • not fear stumbling occasionally, because I know how to rise greatly after each fall,
  • stop seeking to find the meaning of life,
  • get back and focus on all of that stuff that I know so well.

How easily we can lose focus on what is really important.

Damn it!

And so we begin again, a new cycle of Rising Greatly.  Focus lad, focus!

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