I have taken to listening more and more to only calming music, natural noises and silence.
I don’t want to risk hearing any negative messages or anything that may unnecessarily arouse a negative or angry mood. I just don’t want to risk it and to be honest I don’t need it.
Sure there are times when I will still listen to something up-tempo to raise my excitement and energy levels. I seldom listen to anything purely for nostalgic reasons.
The other day I did play some Eminem. I’m a massive fan, have been for a long time. I seemed to be able to see a different side to his music. I guess we all read different messages from many things. There is some more deep thought behind that, that I will discuss at some later date.
So I played some Eminem, his ‘Recovery’ album. This was the soundtrack to my own recovery, to dealing with PTSD and Depression. I had been avoiding it of late because of that, I didn’t want to go back and revisit those times and I was scared that this music would take me there.
It didn’t. In fact it made me realise how far I had come in the last 3 years. Its been a silent development, one that is hard to define in any physical terms, but one that I can feel inside of me and one that I am proud of. There is a strength that doesn’t come, as I had always thought, from being strong but from facing my emotions, by being willing to feel them and to express them (as long as I don’t spread any more hate into the world).
Yes, the threat of depression is still there but it doesn’t scare me quite as much. I know that I will get hit again and I know how much it is going to hurt, but worrying about it was not doing me any good.
I used to play ‘Recovery’ when I was on my way down or on my way up. Sometimes when I was at rock bottom. The music is at times angry, which is how I felt sometimes. At other times it screamed out a fear, I had never felt so scared. It was all about defiance and to hear Eminem rap about these issues gave me a sense that someone, somewhere out there actually understood.
Is anybody out there? It feels like I’m talking to myself
No one seems to know my struggle, and everything I’ve come from
Can anybody hear me? Yeah, I guess I keep talking to myself
It feels like I’m going insane, am I the one whose crazy?
(So why in the world, do I feel so alone?
Nobody but me, I’m on my own
Is there anyone out there, who feels the way I feel?
If there is, let me hear just so I know that I’m not the only one)
With my headphones on I could walk the streets screaming angrily at the world, or I could plead for the hurt to stop, for someone to rescue me. I would turn the music up loud, pull my hat down low and walk the streets in the dark, blocking everything else out. Everything that demanded anything of me, everything that scared me and anything that could hurt me.
There is so much honesty in the lyrics and I guess that taught me that its okay to have those feelings and its okay to be scared of them.
He, a complete stranger, held out his hand to me:
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road
Just, sometimes behind so much anger there is a whole lot of pain screaming out, and if you bother to stop and listen to it properly maybe you can hear it.
In the Eminem ‘Recovery’ album, when many people, maybe most people, can hear only anger and profanity, and may refuse to listen, I hear love, caring and understanding. And now I hear a record of just how far I have come down my own road of Recovery.
I just wanna, thank everybody for being so patient
And bearing with me over these last couple of years
While I figure this shit out
Most of all my beautiful wife and our sons. The struggle continues but you give me a reason and you give me the strength.
Isn’t it kinda strange how we all see things differently? Or maybe it’s not so strange. We are all different, that’s why I see things different to you.
Things seem bad if we think they are bad and we forget that we should be looking for the good.
We will only ever see love in something or someone that we love.
Things frighten us when we are feeling scared. We cannot be brave without having, first of all, been scared.
Until next time, peace
The lyrics quoted in this post are all by Eminem from his Recovery album