A long and winding road

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On 23rd June 2013 I suffered a major heart-attack: ‘a significant episode followed by a series of substantial complications’.

They had to re-boot me several times.

Early on after this I declared that I wouldn’t allow this to define who I was, that I was not going to live like a heart-attack victim.

They warned us about the chance of depression.

I considered depression and then realised I was deep in the middle of Post traumatic Stress.

Damn it’s hard. The heart-attack has been the easy part.

Facing the reality of death, standing on the edge and looking deep into the void where nothing exists, no light, no life. It strips us of ourselves, our securities and of our ego any sense of who we are and our place on earth.

The Void, for some, is a terrifying, confusing, horrible hell because, in the absence of everything, they are temporarily unable to see the love and light within themselves. For this reason, the Void also acts as a heavenly “Tme Out” where the experiencer is forced to look within themselves. There is no judgment in the Void except the possibility of self-judgment – a harsher form of self-understanding. The Void has also been understood as a process of “ego death” where the “mask” of the personality is dissolved to allow the individuality of the soul to be experienced.

The last 30 months have been a struggle, a search for something. I now realise that what I am seeking is myself.

Please read the transcript of Jean-Paul Mari’s Ted Speech: “The Chilling Aftershock of a brush with death” if you want to understand this some more.

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